I spend a lot of time on frivolous activities – mainly social media. Later I feel bad that I wasn’t “productive” enough. I waste time because subconsciously, I want to avoid studying that techno bullshit. I do not think it is worth spending time on. But, I am not strong enough to take a decision saying “No, I will not spend my time doing that techno bullcrap unless necessary”. I instead am always stuck in this lingo of should I, shouldn’t I and end up just escaping that situation by taking my mind off of it and into the world of brightly coloured buttons and screens.

My end goal currently, is to earn money, to be self-sufficient. Instead of spending time making sure I get there, I am spending my time mindlessly sitting in front of books I don’t care about or useless information I can probably learn when needed. I need to be more direct. If I want to earn money, get a job or be as ready for it as possible. If I’m lonely, I need to try talking to people, going to places where I can meet new ones.

I’m lazy. I’m pessimistic. I’m nihilistic. It is what it is. I see no reason in typing this out and that’s a good enough reason for me.

In case you, the non-existent reader, is confused about my last statement, let me explain – See how everyone around you is obsessed with utility, trying to be the most productive member of the society, getting bloody and dirty in a rat race that goes absolutely no where ? If you stop for a minute and really think about it, there is no point to all of this crazed nonsense at all. Why are you trying to be the “most” useful member of the society? Why are you trying to best everyone around you? I’ll tell you why – for absolutely no fucking reason. Everyone has this irrational, in-built craziness of “doing”. Schopenhauer nailed it with his Will to Life theory. But we, being cursed with consciousness, get to think about the prison we are born in – well, at least some of us do.

So when everyone is obsessed with doing “useful” things, what do we, being aware of this predicament, do? Well, we can’t change nature, because that’s an impossibility. What we can do as our personal protest against this utilitarian world, is go against our genetic coding. Do things that make no sense (as a utility) and serve no purpose at all. Creating art, music, fiction are some of the things you can do to give you a personal sense of liberation from the bondage of utility.

PS: I’ll probably write a longer version of the same sometime later, but that’s the gist of it.

Most humans are dependent on interactions with others to keep them sane. There’s a reason solitary confinement is used as a punishment for prisoners. We need people to share and vent our feelings, share our thoughts and work productivity. We usually look for “the click” when we talk to people. When it all just clicks and the conversation flows naturally, we naturally take the other person into our circle of friends. But there’s something at the backbone of it all – emotions.

Emotions form bonds. Without it, it’s all just a formality really. Without emotions, all we make are acquaintances who we nod our head to when we chance upon them. Alas some people aren’t as lucky as others in this category. They do not “feel” emotions for one reason or another. When that happens, they are forced to act, disguise themselves, make themselves a cast to put on everyday.

This act of putting on a cast every single day is extremely exhausting. One fine day, they’ll probably just give up and reveal their true nature. This will almost every time result in complete abandonment by the people around. “You’re no longer like us so you’re not one of us” the people say. So all they are left with is their own worst enemy- their mind.

Always being alone with your thoughts is scary. It can twist and turn your reality into any shape it wants without you knowing any better, because there isn’t anyone to correct it. You watch helplessly, as the world becomes darker and darker, and you retreat further into your isolation.

I’m the water inside the kettle – I’ve been boiling for a long time but the lid is forcing me inside. I punch, kick and swear at the lid, screaming at it to let me out. I’m getting stronger and the time is nigh when I will – erupt.

Rage is seeping through my veins – cold, unbridled rage. I don’t feel it consciously but I’m aware of it’s black presence. It rips me of my emotions, replacing me with a complaisant nothing, all the while silently building it’s strength – until it becomes too big to control.

Everyone has heard that quote “Time and tide wait for none”. We tend to take a lot of statements and customs at their face value, not probing further, assuming them to be absolute. This makes us create these truths in our heads which are seldom broken in our lifetime. Taking Sartre’s advice, I’ve started questioning a lot of things lately including the nature of time.

Anyway, coming back to the quote. Let’s look at it further – Time waits for no one – implies time is an unstoppable force- isolated and beyond our control.

But, what exactly is time?

Google tells me time is ” the indefinite continued progress of existence and events in the past, present, and future regarded as a whole “.

We look at our memories and get nostalgic – reliving moments that have already happened inside our head, albeit slightly altered for our conscience to easily digest it.

Without our memories, would we’ve been aware of time?

When the past becomes too painful to relive and the future- too scary to imagine, we become bound to the present.

Our mind shields us from the pain by blindsiding us to the truth – as it does for all the painful truths of our existence. Self-preservation always takes precedence . We humans, though cursed with conscience, are painfully oblivious to how primitive all our actions are and how similar we are to the rest of life on the planet. Schopenhauer rises as a shining voice of reason when we think about these things. The Will to live drives us – forces us to survive – makes sure everything necessary for our and our species survival makes us feel “happy” – sex, companionship, children. It blocks out the bigger picture – the nature of our existence. Alas, we – unlike our fellow earthlings- have consciousness. So some get to lose their sleep pondering over the nature of our existence.